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A Close Shave in the Wrong Trousers

November 26 2008

As I write this, the sold 20-knot trade winds are becoming less and less stable. The dreaded doldrums must be just up ahead. We have already had our first onset of heavy tropical rain, warm, refreshing and forcing a sail change. It was pitch black and as the crew worked quickly forward on pealing the new headsail. I put down my heavy blog, stripped butt naked and popped out of the aft deck hatch like Marilyn Munroe appearing out of the presidents birthday cake. (Hold that thought) How refreshing to get a natural doosh in a tropical shower, a great chance to have unlimited fresh water.

I closed the hatch tight and with soap, raiser and shampoo in hand I quickly whipped up a total body lather from tip to toe, worthy of any 50’s Barber Shop. I was now fully covered in foaming olive soap, smelling like the foothills of Tuscany in spring. When suddenly the rain came to an abrupt stop. Like a practical joke, someone turned the tap off. I am now stood in my birthday suit on the aft deck in the pitch black looking like Shaun the Sheep before he was shorn, with the wind getting up quickly.

The boat starts to heal up, the speed starts to build, voices from the bow raise as the noise of the wind notches up the tension. I am now faced with needing to get water, any water to get free of my soapy fleece. I dash forward and grab a bailer and a harness. I wasn’t about to lean over the stern, at night, in the slippery buff, collecting water without being clipped on. I popped back on deck just as the crew shuffle back into the cockpit with their foredeck work done. With out lingering on the visual to much, just imaging the scene as I nonchalantly teetered past a working Volvo Ocean Race Crew in nothing but a offshore safety harness, with crutch strap fitted, covered in foaming soap looking like Mr. Whippy on the way to a bondage party. The only thing that I could come up with as they looked on in disbelief was “Good work lads, keep it up”. They certainly didn’t say the same phrase back to me. The relationship between crew and media man can be strained at times. I didn’t see this one coming and nor did they.